The Affair

The Affair

I received a comment from a visitor to my site in which she asked a question as old as time itself.
This prompted me to write the page titled:  “An Affair From A Man’s Perspective”. I hope that I have answered some of her
questions. To the subscriber – thank you for posting.

An Affair with Married Men

This is her story:

“I was involved with a married man off and on for a year and a half. The answer to the question why isn’t a simple one but I’ll condense my reasons. He was my first love in high school and, I felt, the one good guy in my life. (I’m 37) Low self-esteem and lack of boundaries were huge contributing factors.

He had been married almost ten years with a woman he described as “a good person” and they have three (young) children. There was a lack of passion and intimacy in their relationship and he felt they didn’t connect spiritually or intellectually. He had tried counseling and struggled with his unhappiness, thinking he should be content. He told me before he and I reconnected he had come to the conclusion that there would probably be a divorce though he wasn’t in any hurry to do this.

In hindsight, I feel like the first mistake was in crossing the communication boundary. We began talking about our past relationship (we both, particularly me, had unresolved issues and needed closure) but also talking about our current relationships. Neither of us was looking to have a relationship nor affair and we are both good and decent people who always try to treat others with kindness. It bothers me to read others judging the other woman or the cheating husband, we’re not heartless monsters though there are some who seem to be narcissistic.

He and I really connected. Of course the physical attraction was there too. He told me I was the most beautiful person he had ever been with. For me, it was the communication. He listened to me, wanted to hear what I thought and how I felt about things and he would ask. This may seem like nothing, like a normal part of any healthy relationship but this was the first time I had ever experienced this. We also seemed to be in sync, on the same path in life so to speak. Our beliefs, our dreams, our directions. At the risk of sounding cliche or having everyone roll their eyes, I felt like he was my soul mate, the one meant for me. He claimed to feel the same and I believed him.

When everyone says, “one thing led to another” or “things just happened,” it’s true. If you would have asked me three years ago if I would ever have an affair with a married man I would have been highly offended. I would have sworn on my children that would be something I would never do. But I did it.

It was like experiencing the sun after a lifetime of winter. It was like a drug. He spoiled me, he gave me attention and made me a priority, he talked to me…WITH me instead of at me, he treated me kindly and with respect, he was supportive and encouraging and built me up instead of tearing me down. (And the sex was amazing but I’m sure it was heightened because of the situation.) I fell in love quickly.

At first, my conscious didn’t bother me because the way I justified it to myself was in believing it was meant to be. I knew it was wrong, but believed we’d make it right. He promised me so many things and we made so many plans. We talked about where we would live, what type of house we wanted…we were creating our life together (in fantasy) and I ate it up. I believed everything to be fact, never once did I doubt him. Until time rolled on and nothing was changing.

I would crash from the highs just like a drug addict. He lived 1000 miles away and traveled for business and so I rarely saw him. The phone calls, emails and occasional trips into town weren’t enough. I started feeling bad about myself for having to sneaking around and hide, to keep this secret when I wanted to tell everyone about this amazing man and share my happiness. I started feeling guilty and thinking about his wife who only knew that he wasn’t happy. I felt like I was hurting her. I imagined her finding out and what it would do to her, how she would feel. I sort of became protective over her and angry with him for his inaction, for betraying her. I felt he owed it to her to be honest, but there was no way I could, or would tell him what to do or give him any ultimatums, it had to be his decision but he told me he needed time. He had a plan, I just needed to have faith, to believe in him, I didn’t know what he was capable of. He said there would need to be a period of transition…of FIVE YEARS!

I struggled with feelings of selfishness for not being okay with this ‘plan’ for wanting to be with him right then, for wanting him to at least have a talk with her. I felt I wasn’t being fair to everyone involved and wasn’t being understanding or compassionate but also felt I deserved better than being on the side, better than being someone’s option.

The last time I saw him, he told me that something had happened between he and his wife but didn’t tell me what. (I wish now I would have asked). He said it was something that would have justified divorce and that he struggled with it and walked and cried and thought but decided to stay. But during this meeting with him, his actions toward me were the same. He didn’t say anything about ending things with me and we made love. After I left his hotel and starting the next day, he became more distant. He would wait days to reply to emails and his response to my “I love you” text was “Wow.” ??? I was confused but felt he was pulling away and had changed his mind about us. I became passive aggressive until I finally confronted him in an email and demanded to know what the hell was going on. He basically insinuated I was fabricating things and didn’t know why my first assumption was always that something was wrong and he said he was just busy with work. I felt bad at first but then was angry again because his words and actions did not align and I knew I wasn’t imagining things. The next time he came into town and wanted to see me I told him no. I had already decided that I had to end things with him. For everyone involved. He obviously wasn’t going to do anything and I couldn’t continue on like that for another six months let alone five years, it was killing me. I knew I wouldn’t follow through if I saw him in person and so I sent him an email. When he kept calling my phone, I guess in a desperate effort to keep the relationship going, I sent him another email, (written by a friend of mine who said I left the door open in my previous one), firmer, colder, finalizing. I didn’t want to do this but felt forced to by his lack of action. It killed me. He never called me again after that.

I sort of thought the letter would force him to make a decision and honestly thought he’d do ‘the right thing’ and follow through with his words. I believed him when he said I was the love of his life. That was a year ago. I attempted contact with him via emails two times over the last year because I had more guilt about the way in which I ended things. It’s not like me to be so heartless and cold and I feared I broke his heart. But the silence is deafening and speaks volumes to me. I’m still having a hard time reconciling his words vs. his actions and that’s what led me to this site. I wanted to hear from a man who cheated or was in a similar situation since mine didn’t help me with closure. I am doing better emotionally but feel like I’m stuck in the grief cycle and I’m not sure why. Denial? I guess I can’t believe that he didn’t love me, that everything he told me wasn’t true. I don’t think he played me or flat out lied to me but I wonder what I meant to him because it appears that I meant nothing and I wonder if he really did love me or if he was just confused.

I thought I had worked through this and was moving past it but obviously I’m not and that makes me angry all over again. I hope I’ve given a bit of insight and most of all, I hope that anyone who reads this will be on guard against falling into the affair trap because it hurts everyone.”